DEAR MAN

DEAR MAN is from the Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Training Manual by Marsha Linehan. It's a skill for getting your wants and needs met in social situations.

This exercise works best when you have a specific request.

D
DescribeState the facts
E
ExpressShare your feelings
A
AssertState your request
R
ReinforceExplain the benefit
M
(Be) MindfulStay focused
A
Appear ConfidentBody language matters
N
NegotiateBe willing to compromise
Step 1 of 3

What's the situation?

Think of a specific request you need to make of someone. Who is it, and what do you need from them?

In a sentence or two, describe what's happening and who you need to talk to.

e.g. My client constantly calls me after hours and on weekends...

Step 2 of 3

Plan each step

Work through each letter of DEAR MAN. Use this as an opportunity to practice what you'll say before the conversation. Be direct and specific.

💡 For best results, try saying each step out loud so it sounds natural to you.
D
Describe
Clearly and concisely describe the facts of the situation. No opinions or interpretations.
e.g. "You've called me outside of working hours four times this week, including on Saturday and Sunday."
E
Express
State your feelings clearly. Don't expect others to read your mind. Try: "I feel ___ because ___."
e.g. "I feel unable to recharge because I never know when my phone might ring."
A
Assert
Be direct. Say what you need clearly and concisely.
e.g. "I need us to agree that response time outside of regular work hours will be delayed unless it is an emergency."
R
Reinforce
Explain why it would be helpful to agree to your request. Express thanks if they consider it.
e.g. "Having clear boundaries will help me be more present and effective for you. I appreciate you hearing me out."
M
(Be) Mindful
Stay focused on your objective. Avoid being reactive or defensive. Calmly repeat your request if needed.
e.g. "I understand you find quick response time helpful — I'd like to keep this conversation focused on the boundaries we need going forward."
A
Appear Confident
Use body language to project confidence, even if you don't feel it. Stand straight, make eye contact, avoid fidgeting.
e.g. "I'll speak calmly and directly, avoid apologising for the boundary, and maintain a warm but steady tone."
N
Negotiate
Know the limits of what you're willing to accept, but be willing to compromise within them.
e.g. "I can offer a brief check-in text message if something urgent comes up, but I need to prioritise time for myself and my family."

Fill in all 7 steps to continue.

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Step 3 of 3

Your conversation plan

Here's a summary of your DEAR MAN plan. Read through it, practice it out loud, and feel ready for the conversation.

*DEAR MAN from Linehan, M.M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual. Guilford Press.